First day of kindergarten….
September 8, 2005
First day of Senior Year…
September 6, 2017
OK , so how does this happen? Is it not the statement of all parents of older kids to the parents of wee ones…’it goes so fast’. Yet you cannot fully grasp this until you have lived it. I remember going to the 2005 high school graduation because Steve is a teacher and we were connected with kids in that class. I cried as my guys had just graduated from ‘Cheerful Crickets’ and were on their way to starting Kindergarten – those first 5 years had gone so fast and I knew that in a heartbeat we would be there in the JCS auditorium watching them graduate from high school .
There is so much coming up this year….so many ups and downs, moving towards more independence, senior events, ‘lasts’ of everything….and so much emotion that I already feel – excitement (for all that is ahead and possible for the boyz…and for Steve and I), sadness (for this connected family time that is going to be so much more rare, for the ‘end’ of a stage of life that I have treasured in so many ways) and anxiety (how will it all work out – college, finances, will the boyz be ok? )….
So my intention is to embrace all moments of this year – the sad, the excited, the nostalgic, the frustrating, the joyful….here’s to a phenomenal senior year boyz!
Love and Light,
My long time mentor and my spiritual teacher both teach this concept….it is simple yet powerful. I chose to name this space Feeding Love because it is a simple phrase that so quickly reminds me of what I need to do to in day to day struggles in order to shift more quickly. What it boils down to is that there are two energies in the universe – love and fear. All of the feelings we try to avoid or that feel negative – ie- anger, loneliness, sadness, jealousy, frustration….they all fall in the fear category. And all of the feelings we want more of – ie joy, excitement, connection, hope…they fall in the love category. So while we need to honor and respect the whole range of emotions, we do get to choose which ones we are going to water or feed. Like everything else in life, it is about balance. We can learn to acknowledge and accept our feelings, giving them some space…but not indulging in them when they bring us down a dark road. We can give time to say, sadness and then say – ok- now I am going to choose to feed love.
We can shift from the darker emotions in a myriad of ways – some therapeutic techniques, moving our bodies which will shift our energy, talking with a friend, distracting with a book or movie, identifying 3 things we are grateful for…music (one of the fastest ways to shift our vibration/energy/mood)….and if you are like me(- a slow learner 😉 – you can do this over and over until your psyche finally agrees to release that thought/emotion which is coming from a fear space.
I think real life examples help bring concepts like this to life. I have been having a lot of shifting recently as I am dealing with my boyz and the college application process. For example – we had a ‘panic moment’ when we realized we did not send the SAT scores to one of the schools that Casey applied Early Action to. I went into fear mode ‘oh no, now they will not accept him…this will not look good for him….he will not find out early now after working so hard to get his application in on time…how could we miss this?’…and on and on. I am aware I need to have a little bit of time in this space – I cannot go right to solution mode, ‘it will be ok’ mode, ‘it is not catastrophic’ mode until I have a little bit of feeling space for panic or fear. I was not there long however before I was able to hear my own words ‘this will not make or break his college career or choices’, ‘this is not worth ruining my night of being with my family over’, and when my brain wanted to go back to the fear thoughts I very consciously blocked that pathway. I also have a regular gratitude practice which helps me before I go to bed so that I am thinking of the positive parts of the day and therefore ‘feeding love’ as I sleep.
Ultimately we need to honor what we are feeling – there is no right or wrong…no ‘shoulds’ with feelings. Whatever is coming up is there for a reason and can teach you something about yourself. Yet we can choose how we deal with that emotion, whether we let it run wild and take over our mood, quality of life for the day (week…month…) or whether we thank it for showing up and teaching us and then make that conscious choice for love.
Wow – how to begin a journey I started internally many years ago?….I wrote a blog during my family’s 6 month exchange program to India in 2010-11. While it was really intended as a way to track our adventure so that we could remember all we experienced and family and close friends could follow along with us as they wished, it actually became something more for me. I accessed something inside myself that I had always known was there but had difficulty fully grasping . It felt expansive, open and healing. It allowed me to see things from a different perspective.
I have kept a journal since I was 9 years old..you know the kind with the tiny lock and key and small dated entries that say things like ” It was hot today. I went to Mary Ellen’s house to play. We had fun’….and often ending with an ‘I love ____’ (name the boy/celebrity of the week;)) So while I am not one who a propensity for English class, I have always loved journaling (yes, my entries did expand to include a bit more meat if you will) and found catharsis in writing my thoughts and feelings.
My old diary…I hesitate to show the inspiring words written inside!
I attempted to keep up with the blog upon our return home but it seemed more and more difficult to make the time for it. I have thought and planned for it since then….always feeling a yearning inside me but also feeling like there was just not the time. We have been in the midst of pre-teen/teen years and I made a very conscious decision when my boyz were in 7th grade ‘we have 6 years left with them at home and being present for them, their activities and mothering is my priority. ‘ I am very grateful for that decision but I would be lying if I said I do not have regrets about not just continuing with the blog from the get go. But now I can no longer put it off…like my soul will not allow it. I will do what I can, expand and explore and see what happens.
I plan to write about my ever changing journey….as a mom to (currently) teenage boyz, a wife to an energetic, enthusiastic and passionate man, as a friend, therapist, seeker of all things nutrition, running, yoga, emotional healing and spirituality. I am always looking to learn more, find balance and let go of perfection, obsessions, rules and all things that cause contraction in my being.
Boyz on their 17th birthday
I am appreciative of anyone who follows along this journey and hope that my words may serve to inspire, connect and help us all see how we are ultimately all the same…all one…and need each other to be reminded that we are not alone.
Lots of love and light,