Acceptance

This illusory word is so powerful….acceptance – of the things that we wish were not true…of the things we wish we could change…of the past…

‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference’- the serenity prayer.

There has been so much recently that I have needed this reminder for…and I actually did not even think of this prayer until writing just now.  So much in life is out of our control…yet we also have so much control based on how we think and feel.  The struggle is when you feel knocked down and feel discouraged yet do not want to attract more negative to your life.  The answer is not easy and I certainly do not have it. Steve is so resilient and MUCH better able to accept when things do not go the way we hoped.  I on the other hand feel things incredibly deeply  -this can be a blessing and a curse. It takes more time for me to swallow and take in things that I wish were not reality.  We hold this in our body…we feel the stress, anger, shame, fear and disappointment physically.  That is why tears can be helpful – they release different chemicals depending on if they are tears of sadness, anger, joy…but when I feel like I cannot cry – like I am containing it all- that is hard.

So while I am meditating more, moving less (intentionally as this will decrease my cortisol) but still moving to shift mood and energy, writing daily and being vigilant about gratitude, talking with Steve, my mom, my friends…sometimes it does not feel like enough…like I am carrying a cloud above me which is overshadowing all of those things I have on my grateful list (which is most everything in my life). Like I am going thru the motions but none of it is really holding.

I have to remind myself…feelings will not kill me…they will change in time…and everything happens for a reason.  In the moment it is impossible to see the reason…it is painful to accept the truth. But in the end hopefully we have some resilience, we learn and we grow. I guess that is what this journey is all about anyway – isn’t it?