We have had some unplanned, unwanted and undesirable events come up in the past 2 weeks. It has sent me reeling…it has made me look at things and re-evaluate my consistent perfectionistic desires. There is so much we want in life…so much we plan for without even realizing it….and so much we fear getting in the way.
A part of me wishes life could flow smoothly, that things could go according to plan, and that we could rely on a steady outcome. But what would that life be like? Where would the growth be?
I am seeing on a new level, how life is so full of struggle and that our job is to take each one and hopefully learn and grow from it. This is so cliche – but cliches tend to be ripe with wisdom if we take them in. A significant skill in using the struggle to move forward is not staying in the past…in the ‘what ifs’. I am surprised by my ability to do that in this situation. I tend to perseverate on the past, on ‘mistakes’ and ‘if onlys’….but I am feeling grateful for the gift of this learning, not just for my son but also for myself and Steve, as his parents. While this is his experience, we all feel for our children and go through their pain with them no matter what their age. He is also teaching me about acceptance and resilience. His attitude is positive in the midst of sadness and disappointment.
I was in the Dr office last week and this just said it all
While I am feeling the struggle of life, I see how easy it would be to become cynical and view life through the lens of ‘life is so hard’. This is not a view that appeals to me or that I have ever held. I see life as a gift. Sure there are many ups and downs…and often the downs seem more frequent and long lasting than the ups, but without the downs we would not even feel the ups.
Life is not linear. I talk with my patients all the time about healing and how it is not linear – they often come in upset if they have had a set back – but set backs are an expected part of the journey. We do not lose our knowingness of the growth we have had – we just go off course for a moment and then re-group and get back on. There is an ebb and flow to healing from anything and an ebb and flow to life in general. Linear is neat, clean and controlled…but the ebb and flow contains the juice of life – the joy, the pain and all things in between.
I feel so grateful for the support of friends and family, for the love that all have shown to us and to our son, and for the encouragement and belief all have in him. This is a tremendous opportunity to re-evaluate, to re-adjust and to re-define plans, goals and values. My only prayer is that we use this time to dig deep and that we all come out with more clarity, love and passion for what is to come next.
And I thank my friends and family for feeding the love in the midst of this painful experience.