For awhile now, I have been looking back at the past few years with some regret, frustration, anger and sadness. I have come to a new level of awareness around how I ignored my intuition, how I fed my ego/fear instead of my spirit, and another familiar fear pops up – ‘what if it is too late?’ So what is intuition? It is that gut feeling we talk about, an inner knowing not based on anything rational or conscious. It is our subconscious trying to tell us something because it sees the bigger picture and is not attached to anything in particular.
“Insight is not a lightbulb that goes off inside our heads. It is a flickering candle that can easily be snuffed out.”
― Malcolm Gladwell,
My gut, my intuition have been telling me to write this blog since our return from India in 2011. I began writing but then thought I needed to have a definitive direction, theme, name etc and I felt stuck. Life of course kept going and was filled with boyz activities and mom responsibilities, a very intensive and demanding work situation, Steve’s pedal cab company and other projects, pups, chickens, and various reptiles, house stuff etc …you know the drill. So I would sometimes have a strong desire to write the blog but then be stuck on a name or something….and other times I would feel relieved I did not have that pressure as I felt like I could not handle another thing. But the latter was fear and kept me small and contracted. It kept me from using my voice and being true to myself. And that is what I feel regretful and sad about. That is what I feel angry about and frustrated with. For I know now that I had the time. That when you do what is in your heart, you expand and with that so do the time and resources you need to continue on that path.
I have a choice now- I can stay stuck- in the past, creating more of the same or I can move forward with a focus on what my heart calls me to do now. I can write here…I can create from my heart, and I can live my intuition instead of ignoring it time and time again. I may allow a little time when I am triggered to feel the sadness…but then remind myself of my intention to be present and know my power to change, tap, meditate, talk with my go-to people for things like this (thank you Steve, Mom and Mare!) and ultimately re-set my mind to creating a current reality that feels joyful and alive. It is in feeling the love that is within me and longing to be expressed each and every day that I am true to my own spirit and truly free.
So if you feel contraction in your body…if you feel sadness or regret…know that it is part of life…for if we look back with some level of sadness or regret (though that is a strong word – for if we were to do it differently, we would not be who we are today), it is because we have grown – we have become a bit older, wiser, with broader perspective and we can start today from that place.
In honoring my intuition, I will feed the love.