Acceptance

This illusory word is so powerful….acceptance – of the things that we wish were not true…of the things we wish we could change…of the past…

‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference’- the serenity prayer.

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There has been so much recently that I have needed this reminder for…and I actually did not even think of this prayer until writing just now.  So much in life is out of our control…yet we also have so much control based on how we think and feel.  The struggle is when you feel knocked down and feel discouraged yet do not want to attract more negative to your life.  The answer is not easy and I certainly do not have it. Steve is so resilient and MUCH better able to accept when things do not go the way we hoped.  I on the other hand feel things incredibly deeply  -this can be a blessing and a curse. It takes more time for me to swallow and take in things that I wish were not reality.  We hold this in our body…we feel the stress, anger, shame, fear and disappointment physically.  That is why tears can be helpful – they release different chemicals depending on if they are tears of sadness, anger, joy…but when I feel like I cannot cry – like I am containing it all- that is hard.

So while I am meditating more, moving less (intentionally as this will decrease my cortisol) but still moving to shift mood and energy, writing daily and being vigilant about gratitude, talking with Steve, my mom, my friends…sometimes it does not feel like enough…like I am carrying a cloud above me which is overshadowing all of those things I have on my grateful list (which is most everything in my life). Like I am going thru the motions but none of it is really holding.

I have to remind myself…feelings will not kill me…they will change in time…and everything happens for a reason.  In the moment it is impossible to see the reason…it is painful to accept the truth. But in the end hopefully we have some resilience, we learn and we grow. I guess that is what this journey is all about anyway – isn’t it?

Merry Christmas! and Happy New Year???

I have tried to write but something was off with the site and nothing saved. Christmas was beautiful in so many ways …it was white, white , white!! yay – my very favorite! I went for a run on Christmas morning before sunrise and it was just magical with white all over, more snow coming down and the only sound was when a plow went by me. I love running in the snow because the temps are usually quite nice – mid 20’s to 30 which during winter feels lovely!

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We had a quiet Christmas Eve – during the day Steve and I did things at home and I sadly frosted cookies all on my own (missed you Mom!). It seems to be the last ‘Christmas task’ I do is to frost the sugar cookies and I’ve always had the help of 3 cookie loving boyz and my mom…but Mom headed to California to be with my brother for the winter and the boyz had to work at the ski shop (growing up :(…when the boyz got home they were pretty tired – we had a low key night in the living room. Our tradition is to have a snacky dinner by the tree, chat and laugh, work on a Christmas puzzle all while listening to Christmas carols.

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On Christmas morning Casey was up bright and early – 5am! (never too old for Christmas excitement!). I went for my run and then got the coffee cake/tea/coffee happening so we would be ready to open gifts. He woke his brothers up at the agreed upon time – 7am.  It was a simple Christmas but everyone was happy with Santa’s and each other’s gifts.  We had our traditional Christmas morning breakfast (I love all the tradition that holidays involve!) of eggs, hashbrowns, english muffins, bacon, smoothies…this is the first year I did not make snowman pancakes because my previously syrupy breakfast loving kids are not so much anymore.

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not quite ready for his picture taken at 5am!DSC_4411

annual Christmas morning picture

 

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Christmas breakfast

The boyz and I cleaned up and packed while Steve spent about 90 minutes plowing the driveway out.  When he was done we packed up everything including the pups and headed to his parents in PA. It was a long drive with more traffic than I expected…but we listened to ‘A Christmas Story’ all the way which helped pass the time. It was wonderful to be with everyone as Steve’s sister and her whole family and his brother and his girlfriend all flew in from AZ that day too.

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Annie Seamus Brendan & Matt with the fruit delivery.

Our PA stay was too short but very sweet…Brendan flew out to AZ on the 26th for The All American Rugby Winter Camp – this was a big deal and very exciting for him. It was his first time flying alone (he has flown with his brothers but not by himself), first Uber rides, first time driving a convertible (thanks Uncle Brian!), and of course an amazing rugby experience for him.

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Gran and Granddad with their not so little anymore grandchildren!

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Atta and a pretty chocolate pineapple flower

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Greg and Shawna help get the dining room cleaned up

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And like magic – we are all set for Christmas dinner

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My friend Alicia who is originally from Saratoga sends us the peppermint pig each year…here we are setting our intention for 2018! Whack away Granddad!

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A little sibling love 🙂

 

We headed home on the 27th and had a few days of nordic practice, working, then went to a friends for New Years Eve….the rest to be continued……